The Need for Control

The one thing we always fight for that we will never truly have. We try to control our families. We try to control our husbands. We try to control people's reactions or feelings towards us. I have always struggled with control. I have gone through phases of being a germophobe having the illusion that I could control whether I got sick or not. Yes there are precautions you can take to prevent getting sick. Trust me I am a school teacher and know them all. But I took it to a point where I obsessed over germs and constantly worried. I have struggled with perfectionism. Needing things to be perfect. I would make myself the judge of perfection, so I would feel like I was the only one who could get the job done. I have struggled with the need to control what others think about me. Trying to please people, pushing myself down to build others up. Rerunning conversations I had with others in my head hoping that what I said was not taken the wrong way. I think/hope I am not the only woman in the world that has struggled with control. 

This need for control stems back to the beginning of the bible in Genesis. Most of us know the story of how the serpent tempted Eve and she ate the fruit from the tree of good and evil. It is interesting to think about the last words he used to tempt her. 

Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:4-5, NKJV)

This is interesting, because it says in Isaiah that Satan fell, because he said in his heart that he would be like the most high God. He tried to challenge God's order. Now Eve falls for the same thing. She wants to have the knowledge of good and evil, so she can decide things for herself. She wants to be in control. 

Later on in the story after Eve eats the fruit and she brings it to Adam to eat and he eats it as well. After they sinned their eyes were opened to their sinful state and they tried to cover their nakedness. Through their disobedience the Lord later confronts them and shares curse and the aftermath of the disobedience.

To the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16, NKJV)

“Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” Eve would have to fight the desire to master her husband. She would have to fight the desire to challenge the husband's role of a leader. 

If you look at the world today, the world is definitely pushing this agenda. If you watch any show about a family they normally make the husbands look inadequate or not as intelligent as the wife. They make them the fun one, but not the responsible one. The wife is always the voice of reason saving the day. The Lord did not intend for our marriages to look this way. The world tells us we don’t need a man. We need to be able to do it all. Being married doesn’t make you better than anyone else, but there is fulfillment in doing the role the Lord has for us. 

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24, NKJV)

Submitting to your husband does not make you weaker than him. It honestly is strengthening to fulfill your God given role. Before the sin entered the world God created Eve from Adam and called her to be his helper. 

And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” (Genesis 2:18, NKJV)

Eve was made as a comparable helper to Adam. The word helper stems from the Hebrew term ezer kenegdo. Ezer is a powerful force providing support and kenegdo indicates a match or someone suited to compliment Adam. Not inferior, just different roles. The husband is called to love his wife as he loves himself while the wife is called to respect her husband. A godly marriage is a husband and wife who have love and respect for one another and their roles. While they are different they work in harmony. 

There is a lot of freedom in trusting your husband. God gave you this person to do life with. There is comfort in viewing your household the way the Lord intended. To truly explain the biblical role of a woman or wife is a whole other blog in itself, but I do want us to recognize that we were not intended biblically to be in that leadership role in the household. The need for control will attack your marriage if you begin to oppose the divine order. We need to place our trust in God and submit our own will to Him and then through obedience to Him we will be the godly wife the Lord calls us to be. 

Not only does the need for control attack our marriages it also attacks our pursuits. We end up chasing after goals and doing things that were never intended for us. We work tirelessly at jobs to gain titles, to be the boss, to be the head of the workforce. I am not saying there aren't women who are meant to be leaders. Of course there are, but I believe that sometimes when we are fighting for leadership our intentions can be in the wrong place. We can work hard to earn a position or degree just so people can see us as intelligent. We feel like we have to prove to people that we can do it. Are you asking yourself how this goal is going to further the kingdom? How is this skill that I am learning going to glorify God? I think some of our lives would look very different if we began to change our motives and seek the kingdom before our own wants. These titles even go so far that we let them define who we are. I remember when I first got my teaching job I loved telling everyone that I was a teacher. Yes it is an accomplishment, but I began to make it my identity. It was the first thing I would tell someone about me. I felt like they would instantly like me, because who doesn’t like an elementary school teacher. You can think, how is that wrong? People think highly of the profession. The issue is that I may not be an elementary school teacher forever. You may not be with that company forever. You may not be a famous tik tok influencer forever. These titles that we are chasing, these pursuits that we are taking on and identifying ourselves by are not going to last forever. If we are doing them to “look” intelligent or prove anything to others, then we are wasting our time. Instead of feeling the need to control our pursuits, we need to seek the kingdom and ask God where he truly wants us. Where does the Lord want you to be? How can you be used for His glory? The Lord is eternal and we will be with Him forever. Being in relationship with the Father is what we need to hold onto, because He will never leave you or forsake you. 

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. (Isaiah 40:28, NKJV)

Lastly, the need for control limits our future. 

 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. (Luke 9:23, NKJV)

To deny yourself means to surrender your personal desires to the Lord. Walk in His ways. Giving Him the control. Whether we want to believe it or not we are never truly in control. The only control we have is self control, and even that is a fruit of the spirit. It is something that is learned over time in your relationship with the Lord. 

 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us. (Ephesians 3:20, NKJV)

The Lord has the power to do more than we could ever ask or think. It is crazy to think that we could do a better job planning our life than the one who created us. The one who loves us so much that he died on the cross for our sins, so we could spend eternity with Him. Why would we not let the creator lead us? Yes, throughout the journey of following the Lord it is not always going to be easy. There will be dark times where we have to cling to the Lord in faith. There will be times when things happen that are heart breaking and scary and do not make sense to us. Even when the world around us feels out of control we can trust that the Lord is in control. 

O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before,And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. (Psalms 139, NKJV)

The Lord knows you. He is acquainted with all our ways. His divine knowledge is perfect. David explains that the Lord has protection over him. Nothing could get to David unless passed through God’s permission. The same applies with you. There is comfort in trusting the Lord to protect and guide us. His love and care for us is so deep. We cannot comprehend the knowledge the Lord has. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Even in those times of trouble when we think he is far away he is there with us. He knows you personally. Don’t let your need for control limit your relationship with the Lord. Don’t let it limit your walk through this life. Don’t let it limit your future. He may call you to something you never thought possible. The Lord created you for a purpose and even when the way doesn’t seem clear we can trust in a God who is everlasting and all knowing. 

What are you trying to control? Is it your marriage, your titles, the unknown? I encourage you to fast, read the word, and seek the Lord to help you surrender this need for control. Let the Lord use you for His glory and follow Him in faith. 

References:

New King James Version. Bible Gateway, 2025 https://www.biblegateway.com/